Overdue Apologies
by pampongchamp
Summary: "I try to find my voice through the fog, firmly plant myself in the waking world. 'It was happening all over again,' I whisper, 'the day they rescued you'" - Mockingjay spoilers, Pre Epilogue, One-shot


Woop! Jumping into HG fanfic! My beta **Urbanmama** is the greatest, as always.

_Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

* * *

I awaken in the darkness of early morning paralyzed with fear. I try to blink my eyes slowly, assure myself that I'm actually awake now. My jaw is sore, I must have been clenching my teeth for hours. I feel cool air on my damp forehead as I slowly turn toward the edge of the bed, trying to catch my breath.

"Katniss." Says the gravelly whisper behind me, "Are you okay?"

I find I'm still frozen, unable to answer. His hands quickly find my waist and he pulls me across the sheets toward him.

"Tell me what happened," Peeta coaxes softly, his mouth resting against my ear, "Who was trying to hurt you?"

I try to find my voice through the fog, firmly plant myself in the waking world. "It was happening all over again," I whisper, "the day they rescued you and brought you to 13. Only I was alone. Running down the corridor to the hospital. It never ended, I couldn't get any closer to you. And I knew, I knew this time you were going to kill me when I got there. But- but I still needed to see you." We don't usually like to play catch up about what happened to us during the rebellion, it rarely leads to anything good. But everything is just pouring out of me in the darkness. " That day I really thought as soon as I saw you everything would be better. I would have you, and they couldn't hurt you anymore."

I can still feel it all so deeply. Like it only happened moments ago. I quickly turn myself to face him, I need to make sure he's real. "I just had to see you, even if it was for a second. To know you were alive, that they weren't hurting you anymore."

Tears start pouring out of my eyes and I can't stop them. I wriggle my arms up to encircle his neck and I squeeze him as tightly as I wanted to that day. "I thought they were going to hurt you forever. Torture you until I was dead, probably longer to make a point. I thought I'd never see you again." My throat is so thick with tears I think I might choke.

"It's okay, I'm here right now." He tells me. I can tell he's trying not to get overwhelmed by everything I'm saying.

But it just keeps coming, everything I've needed to say to him for years.

"I'm sorry!" I wail, "I'm so sorry Peeta! I'm sorry for everything." I've never told him any of this. I was always afraid of upsetting him, or myself. I thought we could just go on without ever having to remember. But it's impossible. That dream was so real, I can still feel it's atmosphere swirling all around me as I let every overdue apology fall from my lips. The words rush out of me like they are escaping from a prison. "I'm so sorry I left you in the arena, I promised I wouldn't. It should have been me. I'm sorry they made you hate me. I know I helped. Maybe if we'd had more real memories it wouldn't have worked. Maybe they wouldn't have gotten to you if you knew then that I love you." I break down for a while and Peeta undoes my braid and twists my hair through his fingers while my tears slide down his neck. One last apology, "I'm sorry I wasn't very grateful when you loved me more."

He pulls away from me then. Lays me back on my pillow and wipes my tears with his thumbs. He stares into my eyes for a long time, I can see he's trying to work through something. But he doesn't seem angry or confused, just thoughtful.

The light of the dawn is creeping in the window behind him when he finally speaks, "I know that I'm not always the best at remembering things that happened before. But I do know that it isn't possible that I ever loved you more than I do right now."

He pauses a moment, waiting for his truth to sink into me.

"I love you more all the time Katniss. Just last night when I was drawing downstairs and you asked me if I wanted to come up to bed with you. I looked up from my sketch and..." He clutches his hand over his heart and sighs, "You just- I'm speechless when it comes to you." He gathers me closer and speaks with his lips pressed to my temple. "A few years ago, I got on a train and thought I'd never come back here again. A hundred other terrible things came after that to threaten the chances of ever seeing you again, let alone living at all. But I'm here Katniss. We both are. It's everything we weren't supposed to have."

He gives me a long, slow kiss and all at once the calm I've been searching for settles around me. Peeta pulls back and pushes my hair off of my forehead. My eyes slip closed on their own, and I instinctively nuzzle against his hand. "I don't want you to be sorry for anything that happened. It got us here; that's all that matters. But I'll accept your apology if you need me to. I feel terrible that you've had to hold that in all this time."

The adrenaline seems to have petered out, and I can feel sleep rushing toward me, but I feel like there's more to say. I try to sit up, but Peeta gently nudges my shoulders back against the mattress. He presses his lips to mine again before trying to coax me back to sleep.

As I start to slip into unconsciousness I can feel panic rising in me again. "But Peeta," I mumble, but my mouth doesn't want to cooperate. I need to say something. "You know don't you? You know how much I love you?"

He cuts me off with more kisses, "Yes, I know." Peeta turns onto his side and pulls me closer to him. "Just get some sleep now," he whispers.

I grab at his hand on my waist, "Don't go."

"I'm not going anywhere. I'm right here, and I'll be here when you wake up in the morning. Every morning. Always. I promise."

It's a promise I know he can't actually keep. Any number of tragedies could take him from me. Nothing is forever. I snuggle closer to his chest and breathe him in. Every day I find myself waiting for the universe to figure out I don't deserve any of this and take it all away. Of course this isn't how it's supposed to be. Our families should be here, our parents, our brothers and sister. But the cruelness of the world took them from us. Why shouldn't it take him too?

But this moment, this peace and calm will carry me through. I have to go on another day. It's another chance to love and be loved just a little bit more.


End file.
